A common fear that people have is to be lost in the sea or ocean, and they have every right to be. The earth’s oceans and seas are vast, deep, and we as a race know little about them. So as human nature to fear the unknown, being scared of becoming lost in sea is completely justified. However, because of this being such a common fear it is important we teach each other how to survive if for an unfortunate reason we become stranded in the vast ocean ourselves. Here is a list of key pointers on how to survive in the ocean that can help this traumatic experience come to a safe and (hopefully) fast end. All of these points have been researched and given by the best survival experts from around the world. Let’s get into this.

#1 Never (I mean ever) Trust A Mermaid

This is a very important point in the strategy of surviving in the ocean. Mermaids have been known to use there looks to steal your money. Remember having money when you are stranded is very important because you might have to barter your way a ride on maybe a whale or something. If you can see the bottom of the ocean go and try to get some sea dollars because that is the currency of the ocean. Anyways Mermaids are very dangerous, just look at how menacing they are from this colorized photo of a mermaid shot in 1967.

#2 Don’t Drink The Yellow Water

You are literally swimming in fish pee so be careful of the yellow water. Only amateurs drink that stuff, so in order to be like the professionals stay away from that. If you find yourself covered in the yellow stuff try to find a boat nearby and ask if you can use there shower. Once you take a shower jump back into the ocean and continue your struggle to survive in the ocean.

#3 If You See a Whale Try To Make It Eat You

Whales are known to have life-saving stuff within there stomach including all-inclusive breakfast. If you see a whale do what the professionals do, which is, act like you are krill. If you don’t know how to act like krill go watch a video about it. Once you are in the stomach there will be a check-in desk with a pufferfish managing it, say that you are stranded and that you can pay with sea dollars. See what I am saying about having some money on you. If you don’t have any money, try bartering with what you have and if that doesn’t work threaten the pufferfish.

(Murdog is not responsible for people eaten by whales)

#4 Make A Stranded Club

This point is for when you find an island. Once you are on the island use smoke morse code to try and message all the other stranded people and organize a club. If nobody else has started the administration process of creating the club then you will be the leader. Try getting people to come to your first club meeting on your island by saying there will be coconuts and water. Once people get the message wait until your set club date. If people show up, start by creating a trust circle and share your stories. From there make a plan on how to survive as a club. It will be easier now.

#5 If A Shark Shows Up, Insult It

Sharks may seem like tough and scary creatures, but they’re actually very fragile and take criticism very badly. If you see a shark approach you try cracking some mom jokes and make fun of it a little bit. If the shark doesn’t start crying and swimming away, hit’em with the privilege line. Talking about how he was born with the privilege of being a top predator. This is a guaranteed way to make the shark swim away. If the shark gets mad at you for the insults instead of becoming weakened then apologize and invite the shark to join your ocean survivor club (previous point) because sharks need friends too.

In Conclusion,

if you follow all these steps you will be like the professionals. Most of the professionals are dead, however, maybe you will survive. Good luck and I hope to see you out there getting after it.